Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
My house has really let itself go.
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?