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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
I just threw up my weekend.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it