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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?