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Some days are just not meant to be productive.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
justin bieber
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.