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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.