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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
So far my bracket is perfect! I can`t wait to fill the rest of it in.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.