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Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
What do you mean this posting of the BBQ ribs you made is not an invite?
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.