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Exercise? More like extra fries.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Been there, done that. allegedly
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*