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363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
The less you know, the more you think you do.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.