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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....