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So they say that having to much sex can cause memory loss, which is just a little something I seem to remember reading in a Rolling Stone magazine once on page 64 paragraphs 3 through 5 while sitting on a park bench October 14th 2002 at 3:46 p.m
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.