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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.