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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I drink to make other people interesting.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.