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"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.