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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.