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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.