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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.