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Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.