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What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.