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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?