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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
My misery likes tequila, not company.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?