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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.