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Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."