Daily Silly Status

Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "

Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?

They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?

If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.

We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.

I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.

I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.

If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.

I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.

I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.

Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....

Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".

I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.

Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie