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Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.