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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....