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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”