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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.