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The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
I’m sad when my food is over.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.