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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.