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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.