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Iām sorry Iām late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords