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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.