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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!