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sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly