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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!