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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
Sometimes you just have to logout...
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?