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A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
You had me at 0 mutual friends