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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.