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The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.