Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.