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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
You make me want to be a drunker person
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver