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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!