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I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."