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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches