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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.