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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.