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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about