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I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.