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I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.