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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
Real friends show me their boobs
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude