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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
I dare you to spit on this status.
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.