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If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.